Elvis: Good ol' Lucy Lawless is about to come on... Oh! There she is now! Lucy Lawless! I love Lucy Lawless!

Lucy Lawless: Did you say "Good old"?

Elvis: I said "Good ol'." I'm from Texas, I'm from Texas.

Lucy Lawless: Oh. A little less of the old, please.

Elvis: We're going to talk to you off the air....just a second.

[traffic report]

Elvis: All right, 8:33. Can we go ahead and welcome Lucy Lawless to the control room?

Christine: Please!

Elliott: Hi, Lucy

Christine: Hi, Lucy!

Elvis: Hi, Lucy!

Lucy Lawless: Good morning, zoo!

Elvis: You don't understand. I mean, we've been talking about you coming to visit us for a while.

Lucy Lawless: Have you there?

Elliott: (spots Lucy chewing gum) Uh-oh, uh-oh... Gimme that gum...gimme that gum.

Elvis: Yeah, spit that out, Lucy. What the....

Elliott: Gimme that!

Lucy Lawless: I have... I'm spittin' it out.

Elvis: We've been talking about your pending visit for a while now. People are very excited about you being on our show.

Christine: Absolutely.

Elvis: They think that Lucy Lawless and Elvis and Elliott are a great fit....like, we're gonna have a good time together.

Lucy Lawless: That is a great fit. [note: not sure if this is LL speaking]

Elvis: It's gonna be wild. We have to do a segment here on the Z where Christine... I got Lucy Lawless's gum with...Lucy Lawless's spit. (pops it in his mouth)

Someone: uuhhhh! (groans from around the room)

Christine: Oh, he ate it!

Elvis: You chewed it?!

Lucy Lawless: Oh, no, you don't understand! I've had this stomach...bug for...

Elliott: (blows out gum)

Christine: Oh! Elliott! You'll get a few days off.

Lucy Lawless: Go on, make yourself sick!

Elliott: Infected by Lucy Lawless.

Christine: This is the guy that won't let me take a french fry off his plate, so this is a big deal for him.

Elvis: He's chewing your gum!

Elliott: Not any more!

Elvis: This is when we do "E on the Z," a segment where Christine kind of slings the sleaze. And you're not on it today...

Elliott: (to Lucy) I'm not gonna be pregnant, am I?

Elvis: From chewing gum?

Lucy Lawless: Uh, no, that's not how you get pregnant. It's the toilet seat.

John Bell: Explain that to him, Lucy.

Elvis: It's the doorknobs thing. He doesn't know the real reason, so let's keep that from him, if we can...... And feel free to jump in, 'cause we're all gonna hang with Christine to see what's going on.

Christine: Thank you...

Elvis: And then the official Lucy Lawless interview begins in a few minutes. But you're here now.

[misc. gossip]

Christine: Also, another movie that is set to start filming is "I Dream of Jeannie." You know how every tv show is becoming a movie now? well, um, Lucy, you may want to keep this in mind because they're looking for a Jeannie.

Lucy Lawless: (sarcastically) Oh, perfect!

Elvis: Can you imagine? John Bell rubs his lamp every night and hopes that you'll come out.

Someone: (groans around the room)

Elliott: That ain't a lamp.

Elvis: It is, too.

Christine: And Alicia Silverstone went out to the Four Seasons Hotel in Beverly Hills. When she was ready to leave, there was one little itty bitty problem: The valets couldn't find her car! What could have happened to it? She got a little flipped out and she started yelling, "Silverstone, Silverstone, Silverstone!" Say that ten times fast. Well, they came up with the car. So there you go.

Lucy Lawless: (puzzled) She yelled out "Silverstone"?

Christine: Her last name. I guess she thought it would make them pop, pop, pop. What do you think?

Elvis: Why would you do that?

[misc. gossip without Lucy]

Christine: Elvis, as you know, Vanilla Ice is gone, but certainly not forgotten...

Elvis: Lucy, do you remember Vanilla Ice?

Lucy Lawless: He was the white rapper, right?

Elvis: Yeah, the one. Tat one. He did that "Ice Ice Baby" song? He's one of those guys who did one song and then disappeared.

[misc. gossip without Lucy]

Elvis: Now Lucy, thank you for coming in to see us. Now, we've been trying to get you to come in to see us for a long time. You don't know what your publicists...do. I mean, they throw us off, they make up stories, "Oh, she's on the moon this week," or "She's in New Zealand visiting...." It's like, I'm glad you finally made it. How long have I been trying to get her in here?

Elliott: We've been trying, honestly, we've been trying for about a year and a half.

Lucy Lawless: We film in New Zealand.

Elliott: It's not my fault.

Christine: So that's a valid excuse. That one we'll accept.

Elvis: Can we change that? Can you move to L.A.? Or would you rather stay in New Zealand to do that?

Lucy Lawless: Uh, no, we have to stay in New Zealand. We couldn't get those same kind of sets, we couldn't get the same look, and...

John Bell: Central Park!

Elvis: Central Park's just like New Zealand. (pause) The official Lucy Lawless interview next.

Elliott: Passaic, New Jersey!

Elvis: Would you like some more gum from Lucy?

Elliott: Oh, God, yes!

Elvis: Please don't chew that.

[music: Meredith Brooks]

Elvis: Lucy Lawless is in the house!

Elliott: Ayiyiyi!

Elvis: Here she is...officially here. She was here before, but now it's official. Thank you once again for coming to see us. I'm not going to say "thank you" one more time. I've had it! I've had it with this grace thing I've got going on..... But, uh, do you love New York?

Lucy Lawless: We do love New York.

Elvis: How often do you come see us?

Lucy Lawless: I come to New York, probably...twice a year.

Elliott: (speaking very slowly) How long do you stay when you're here?

Elvis: (scoldingly) Elliott!

Lucy Lawless: (in southern accent) Well, this time I'm gonna stay 'bout two and a half months.

Elliott: Well, I just want to make sure you don't lose me in the...in the... you know...in the translation.

Lucy Lawless: Yeah, well...I'm from New Zealand and he tries to speak deep southern to me!

Elliott: Right, I just want to make sure you don't lose me along the way.

Lucy Lawless: Ok. Talk slow.

Elvis: Something tells me that before the end of this day, Lucy's gonna kick your ass!

Christine: Oh, can we watch?

John Bell: And she can do it, too!

Lucy Lawless: Just a feeling...just a feeling.

John Bell: In or out of character?

Elliott: In character she may, out of character she's just a soft little lady.

Elvis: It's true. I mean, on the show, Xena, she loves to kick ass, let's be honest. When you're off the show, are you the opposite, do you like to sit in a warm bath, with bubbles everywhere?

Lucy Lawless: No, don't go much for that. Not much of a luxury hound. But...people are not intimidated when they meet me one on one.

Elvis: You're frightening me, I gotta be honest, you're gonna kill me before the day's over.

Lucy Lawless: (laughing) Well, maybe they are, I don't know.

John Bell: You know what's fascinating about this, though? Lucy apparently was not up to all the martial arts and stuff when she started doing the show, she wasn't that kind of a person, really, growing up...

Lucy Lawless: Oh! That's...in that way I'm completely the opposite.

John Bell: In fact, she has a nickname that those of us who've followed the show for a long time, know, they used to call her....

Lucy Lawless: (mock nervousness) Yes....

John Bell: They used to call her "unco," and she can tell you what that is.

Elvis: What's unco?

Lucy Lawless: Uncoordinated. (laughs)

John Bell: As a kid she was unco.

Lucy Lawless: All through my teenage years, I was the tripper, the...you know, I would run...I would run everywhere and I would just fall. I was clumsy and...

Elvis: Aww. Was it the drinking?

Lucy Lawless: (laughing) I was the last person to be picked on every team. But...

Elliott: Were you really?

John Bell: "We don't want her!"

Elliott: So someone at school was like, "Let's see...I'll pick Billy and, oh, you know what, give me that dead dog in the corner." And, "All right, fine, I'll take Lawless."

Lucy Lawless: Well, you know, no, I was probably second to last every time. You know, the dead dog would come next.

Elvis: Months ago, Bell was telling us, about a year ago, "Look guys, 'Xena Princess Warrior' [sic] is going to be the biggest thing on the planet Earth. Let's jump on this band wagon before everyone else does." Did you guys know that this would be such a huge show over there before here? I'm assuming it was.

Lucy Lawless: No, no, no. It started airing in New Zealand a long time after here. This was made for America.

John Bell: Yeah. It was on here long before it was on in New Zealand. So nobody knew Lucy in New Zealand.

Elvis: Really?! See, I didn't know that.

John Bell: Well, not nobody. Her family did.

Lucy Lawless: Yeah, I could walk down the road in my costume and, you know, people would just...think I was some wacko chick!

Someone: (laughing around the room)

Elvis: People would offer you cash, "Hey, baby!"

Lucy Lawless: (laughing) "Take it off!"

Elvis: What's up with that?!

Lucy Lawless: Yeah.

Elvis: I think that's amazing that you would base a show in New Zealand and then say, "I know...the United States people will buy this!"

Lucy Lawless: No, no. This was made by Universal.

John Bell: Yeah.

Elvis: Really? So did they go there just to do you, I mean, just to film you...tape you?

Lucy Lawless: (laughing) I mean, they would, they should, right? (laughs) But, no, in fact, they were filming "Hercules" there, and the girl who was originally cast - the actress - who was cast and was training for this fell ill and a whole lot of other actresses refused to come down during pilot season. It was at that stage a three-episode arc on an unknown series.

Elvis: You poisoned her coffee, didn't you?

Lucy Lawless: (laughing) Die! Die! Die, Vanessa, die!....No!

John Bell: And you played, actually, a couple of characters before you became the Warrior Princess, 'cause you were Iylana for a while...

Lucy Lawless: And so they said, "Why don't you get that Kiwi girl in?" and the studio said, "Are you out of your mind? We just used her. So here's a list of five other actresses." Andy they all didn't want to leave during pilot season, so... I bless them. I pray for them every night.

Elliott: Enough of the softball questions. You and Gabrielle...Xena and Gabrielle. Lesbians, or...

John Bell: Yeah, they have a big problem with this...

Elliott: Lesbians, or no?

Lucy Lawless: What kind of problem does this pose for you?

Elliott: I just want to know!

Elvis: May I read the fax?

John Bell: They call it the "sapphic subplot."

Lucy Lawless: Subtext.

Elliott: I mean, she's bathing with you...

Elvis: Let me read the fax: "Dear Elvis and Elite, please ask nicely...ask Lucy Lawless about the major lesbian undertones on 'Xena.' I love the show. I'm gay. So I'm trying to figure out what's going on?" His name is Michael from Connecticut. What's the deal?

Lucy Lawless: Well, this is how it first came about: We were playing the episode and about three into it, we started getting sent to us posters from the Meow Mix and a few other clubs of lesbianites. And we thought, "Oh, isn't this funny?!" Because, you know, we're two female characters, we've been given this label and we kind of wink with it and we thought it was amusing...

Elvis: Well, the part where Gabrielle bathes you...I think sort of...

John Bell: "The Quest" episode.

Lucy Lawless: Well, you might, if you're living in a pre-Hellenic world, or a Hellenic world, and this is the only person to scrub your back and you're grimy and, you know, you've been sweating from a long day's fight...

Elvis: Grimy. (jokingly) Oh, you're making me hot! Keep goin'!

Lucy Lawless: (laughing) You gotta get somebody to get the little scungy bits off your back. [note: she pronounced it skun'-jee]

John Bell: You know what amazes me is nobody ever asked Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid if they were gay!

Elvis: Did they bathe together?

John Bell: You got two people named "Butch" and "Sundance" hanging out together...

Someone: (laughing around the room)

Elvis: Seriously, what is your answer? When people ask you this question, what do you say?

John Bell: Who cares?

Lucy Lawless: Well...yeah, kind of "who cares?" We've moved on from that whole questions. And the show is the audience's. Everybody sees the show whatever way they want to and we allow them to, I have to admit.

Elliott: Although, I understand you were quite the hit the other night when you showed up at the Meow Mix.

Lucy Lawless: (happily) Yeah! We went along... But we were so embarrassed because they were having a student...they were having a student benefit for that Haitian guy that got roughed up.

Elvis: Right, right.

Lucy Lawless: And this poor woman, Allegra, was very embarrassed that there were so many guys there 'cause I turned up with a journalist - we had just been having an interview - any my friend, Gav, who's here today, he's a focus puller on the crew...

Elvis: Right.

Lucy Lawless: ...and signed some tshirts. I just wanted to see where it all first started to happen. And these people kind of all had a big helping hand in making the show hip.

Elliott: How would you like to be this journalist? "You'll come over to the hotel, we'll do an interview, and then I'd like to take you down to a lesbian bar for 'Xena' night."

Lucy Lawless: (laughing) Oh, it was just an impromptu...I said, "Oh, why don't we go?"

Elvis: And then did some big lady named "Large Marge" try to pick you up whole you were there?

Lucy Lawless: No! It was full of skinny...

Elvis: I mean, did you dance? What happened?

Lucy Lawless: Nothing. We sat quietly. We just moused in. Nobody recognized us for quite some time...and then the owner did and came up to us and I signed some tshirts....

Elvis: Very cool.

Elliott: Good for you.

John Bell: They have a good time there every...second Tuesday of every month, I think, they have "Xena" night at Meow Mix, and they come and discuss the show and all kinds of stuff. It's a big deal. Can I check something with you, Lucy?

Lucy Lawless: Yeah!

John Bell: You know, you get these biographical things and you never know how much is true or not.

Lucy Lawless: (cautious) Yeah?

John Bell: Somebody told me that you were "Mrs. New Zealand"?

Lucy Lawless: Oh, yeaahh.

Elvis: Misses?

John Bell: Way back in 1989, 1990?

Lucy Lawless: I was, and it's not something that I'm...you know, that I go around...screaming...

John Bell: Bragging about.

Lucy Lawless: Yeah, bragging about, (laughing) that's right! But it was a real interesting experience, because it was...everything you ever heard about these things is true! They're just CRAP! [note: she pronounced it with 2 syllables: cr-ap] Don't let your daughters do it. Don't let your daughters...unless...I don't know, so...

Elliott: Really?

John Bell: Yeah, it's ridiculous.

Elvis: Backstage, is there catfighting going on? The mothers...?

John Bell: It's serious.

Lucy Lawless: No, no, no. The women...the women were the best thing about it. The women were the best thing about it. But it's, you know, I just find that... The reasons people do...run that sort of a show are not altruistic. You know, they're not doing this for philanthropy.

Elliott: So I guess it's safe to say that little Daisy will not be...growing up into the world of...

John Bell: Mrs. New Zealand?

Lucy Lawless: She can make her own decisions, but...

Elliott: She's 8! She can't make every decision.

Lucy Lawless: Well, she certainly won't be doing any shows at the moment.

Elvis: Wait till she's ten, then let her loose.

Lucy Lawless: (laughs) Yeah!

[music: Spice Girls]

Elvis: 8:53, it's Lucy Lawless! She's still here! We have not run her off yet!

Lucy Lawless: (in weird voice) I'm kinda spicy!

John Bell: Oh, yes!

Elvis: You kind of go into these weird voices every once in a while. Do you ever use these voices in any other of your work, or is this just something you do?

Lucy Lawless: Oh, yeah, they turn up and I try to keep them out from incorporating them into the show too much unless I'm playing a completely separate character.

Christine: Yeah, it works out when you've got dueling Xenas and there's the evil Xena and the ditzy Xena, and then we get to hear that voice.

Lucy Lawless: Oh, we've got another one coming out.

Elvis: "Ditzy Xena." It's a new doll from Mattel: Ditzy Xena!

Lucy Lawless: (laughs)

John Bell: I think you must have an ear for language any way because you can speak some German, French, Italian.

Lucy Lawless: Yeah, I've lost it a lot now, but...

John Bell: Really.

Lucy Lawless: Yeah.

John Bell: And I noticed when you switch from the accents, it's very easy for you to pick up the sound of an American accent. Do you just go kind of back and forth very easily?

Elvis: How do you do that?

John Bell: It's very difficult for us to do.

Elvis: You have to do it in "Grease!", right?

Lucy Lawless: No, it's fine. Every time I perform, every time the camera rolls, I automatically go into an American accent and, sometimes, like, if I'm playing myself, I have to pull myself up short because I've done it in an American accent and it's not going to cut if I don't...

Elliott: How the hell did you end up on "Grease!"?

Lucy Lawless: (very sweetly) Singing on "Rosie."

Elvis: By the way, I have to tell you Lucy Lawless is joining the cast September second. You'll be in "Grease!" You're doing Rizzo, right?

Lucy Lawless: Yeah, another tough chick.

Elvis: A gum chewin', cigarette smokin', out of control...

Lucy Lawless: (rough voice) Ahhh...beer swillin' harridan.

Elvis: Viddle eatin'... I mean, it's out of control.

Lucy Lawless: (laughs) Viddles!

Elvis: [on phone] Debbie...you have a question for the one and only Lucy Lawless? D: Absolutely!

Lucy Lawless: Hi, Debbie! D: Lucy, I'd like to say, first off, you're absolutely gorgeous!

Lucy Lawless: Thank you very much. D: And I'd like to know how you unwind from all the physical demands of your show.

Elvis: Yeah, how do you unwind after a day on the set?

Lucy Lawless: Aaaahhh....you know, I come straight off the set, go home, have a shower, jump straight into bed, and I read a little bit, and fall dead asleep, so...there's no...

Elvis: Can we get just a little personal? How's the home life? Is everything fine there?

Lucy Lawless: Didn't I? (laughing) [note: wasn't clear, she stepped away from the mic and there was other noise]

Elvis: Ok, I guess that's as far as we're goin'.

John Bell: I don't think he was asking about Daisy, though, Lucy. I think he was asking...

Lucy Lawless: Life is divine.

Christine: That's a nice answer.

John Bell: I like that. "Life is divine."

Elvis: In other words, "Shut up, I'm not telling you anything else. That's all you're going to know, you pig." That's all you're going to tell me. Ok, I'm not going to ask you anything else. Fine. No more personal questions.

Elliott: I mean, was he intimidated by you?

Lucy Lawless: Who's that?

Elliott: The man. (silent pause) Assuming there is one.

Lucy Lawless: Um, no. No, no, no, he, uh.....

John Bell: Or guys in general. Do you find that now that you're Xena on tv...

Lucy Lawless: Not when they're drunk! Funnily enough, I went out the other night...

John Bell: Not when they're drunk.

Someone: (laughter around the room)

Lucy Lawless: I went out the first time in months the other day in New Zealand and I was approached relentlessly by drunk...awkward [note: not clear] males.

Elvis: Congratulations! You're obviously doing something right.

Lucy Lawless: That's incredible because, yeah, they would never come up to me when sober.

Elliott: Well, they're afraid of you.

Lucy Lawless: Well, uh....

Elvis: Why?

Elliott: Well, because of the Warrior Princess!

Elvis: Lucy, of course, as you know, Xena's taken off out of control here in the U.S. of A.

Lucy Lawless: (coyly) I didn't know that.

Elvis: Well, it has taken off. It's out of control!

Elliott: Oh, don't be so modest.

John Bell: Xena conventions, Xena dolls...

Elvis: Maybe you should come out from under that rock.

Lucy Lawless: (laughs) See, I think that this is all perfectly normal, (laughs) you know.

John Bell: Really?

Lucy Lawless: (laughing) I have nothing to compare this to. So, it's like, "Oh, yeah, this is what happens when you make a television show." (laughing) You get to go on Larry King, and The View, and...

John Bell: No, ask Arsenio Hall. He can tell you it doesn't always happen like this.

Elvis: Yeah, he's gone. So what about the celebrity part of it? Does it bother you to be recognized all the time when you're out in public and walking around the streets of New York?

Lucy Lawless: People are pretty nice. Or, I can dress down, you know, and nobody'll look at me twice.

Elvis: Really? 'Cause I know you're you!

Lucy Lawless: Yeah, well, you know, if you see me in my normal really scungy clothes... These are my mid-level clothes. People wouldn't look at me...

Elvis: That's a very nice sweater. I like that.

Christine: Yeah, I like that. [note: was very difficult to hear - she and Lucy were away from the mics]

Lucy Lawless: [very difficult to hear - away from mic and others were talking - but she joked that Christine could have her sweater]

John Bell: I don't know. I think I'd notice her whether she were wearing leather or not.

Elliott: Yeah, I have a feeling you would, too.

Elvis: 'Cause you're a pig.

Lucy Lawless: Some people do. But I get left alone.

Elvis: [on phone] Lisa? Are you there? Say hi to Lucy Lawless. [note: Lisa sounds about 15 years old] L: Lucy?! Oh my God!! I love you!!

Lucy Lawless: Well, thank you, Lisa! L: Elliott, Elvis, thank you so much for letting me be on the air!

Elvis: Absolutely! Send us cash!

Lucy Lawless: (laughs) Now, what do you want?

Elvis: Yeah, now what do you want? L: I want to tell her that I'm her number one fan and that I'm a very loyal watcher.

Elvis: Right.

Lucy Lawless: Well, that's great! L: And I'm so happy that you're having her on the show. And Lucy, I want you to know that you're very talented, beautiful, and sweet. And you're, like, my really big role model.

John Bell: There you go!

Lucy Lawless: (jokingly) Well, thank you. I'm frightened now. You've put a hell of a lot on my shoulders... and I'm leaving the show. (laughs)

Elliott: Do you like the role model aspect that comes along with being a celebrity?

Lucy Lawless: I have accepted it and...I don't find it's a burden. I feared it really would be and thought, "Oh, God, now people are gonna be trying to copy me." And they really don't. They're encouraged to go out and do what they always wanted.

Elliott: By the way, if you'd like to copy her, she does buy her underpanties at Victoria's Secret.

Elvis: Now how do you know that?

Elliott: Because when she was signing a poster in the kitchen, she was bent over and I could tell.

Lucy Lawless: Aww, you scumbag! (sounds of her playfully smacking him once) ? (laughter around the room)

Elvis: You're looking...you're looking at Lucy Lawless....

Elliott: I'm not lying? I'm not telling the truth?

Elvis: I can't believe you're looking in her pants!

Lucy Lawless: (laughingly) Do you know what? When I looked at these.... 'Cause today I was brushing my hair and I saw my top come out and I thought, "I wonder if anyone'll notice? Nah, I'm just being paranoid." Just you guys!

Elvis: Just some scumbag on the radio!

Lucy Lawless: Yep!

Elvis: [on phone] Arlene? You've always wanted to know she buys her undergarments at Victoria's Secret. Oh, good for you. I can't afford it. But anyway, Lucy, I'm looking forward to seeing you in Grease!. I'm seeing you on September fourth. I'm in the nosebleed section, so...

Elvis: The thirty dollar tickets.

Elliott: But every seat in there is good.

Elvis: Let me tell you, the thing about the Eugene O'Neill Theatre there, Arlene, it's not that huge of a theater. I mean, the way it's spread out, everyone has a good seat.

John Bell: Yeah, you do. Anyway, I'm looking forward to seeing you and kudos to the crew and the production crew and to you actors. You're really doing a great show and I think you'll be the best Rizzo ever.

Lucy Lawless: Oh, well, thank you. I'll have to make sure I'm at least fulfilling the... You know, more power to you. I guess I'll be at the next Xena night at Meow Mix!

Elvis: Arlene's all over the place. Thank you for listening and we appreciate your calling, ok? [hangs up]

Elliott: (scary voice) I'd like to meet you back at your hotel when you're done.

John Bell: Oh, cut it out! You know, Elliott, you're a pig. Not only do you look at her underwear, now you're just being a pig.

Elliott: All right, all right.

Elvis: Well, listen, we appreciate your coming in. But we can't end the interview on such a downer, thank you Elliott!

Elliott: What's so down?

Elvis: Chew some more of her gum!

Elliott: Nah, na-uh.

Lucy Lawless: (sounds of Lucy chewing gum)

Elliott: Look at her snap over there!

Lucy Lawless: I'm freshening one up for ya!

Someone: (laughter around the room)

Elvis: How long will you be in Grease!? How long is your run there?

Lucy Lawless: Only seven weeks. That's all the time I have.

John Bell: Better hurry up and get your tickets.

Elvis: You're here in town a long time. Let me give you a number to call so you can buy some tickets: It's Telecharge - 212-239-6200. All of New York is listening. Do you want to say anything before you walk out the door?

Lucy Lawless: New York is Xenaville, and I love it!

Elvis: Lucy Lawless everyone! Thank you, Lucy! Can I chew this last piece of gum? I'll take this piece. Come here...spit in my mouth. I love her gum!

Lucy Lawless: Here.

Someone: (laughter around the room)

Elvis: Aww! She's spitting gum! What's worse: you looking at her underwear, or her spitting gum? Get her outta here!

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