This transcript originally appeared in Kym Masera Taborn's Xena Media Review.
The opening segment has been disregarded here, as it is completely inane and unrelated in any way to Lucy's presence on the show.
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, the star of "Politically Incorrect" -- Bill Maher!
Bill: All right, thank you very much. Let's meet our panel, very funny comedienne, she won the Jury Award as this year's best new comic at this year's Aspen Comedy Arts Festival -- Candy Ford. Candy.
Bill: Hey. And well deserved, I might add. I was there.
Candy: Thank you very much.
Bill: There you go. He's the first $1 million winner on "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire." But this weekend, he'll be collecting your taxes.
Bill: He is an IRS agent. John Carpenter. John.
Bill: Oh, don't boo. She's a very funny actress, comedienne, she's got her very own radio talk show on Seattle's the Buzz -- Kennedy.
Hello. Kennedy: I went for the mouth.
Bill: And she's Xena on one of the most popular television shows of all time. The people's Warrior Princess, Lucy Lawless.
Bill: Hey, you. Thank you very much. Okay.
Kennedy: You're such a wuss, you kiss a model and I went for a peck and you -- tease.
Bill: Let's talk about taxes.
John: All right.
Bill: Get our [ bleep ] down.
Now John, when you came out, I heard a couple of boos. And when you won "Who wants to marry" -- "Who Wants To Marry" --
John: Whoa!
Kennedy: Darva Conger!
Bill: What is the name of the show, it's only the show that's lifted my --
Lucy: Be a millionaire. "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire."
Bill: "Be A Millionaire." Right. I said, "We've got to book this guy on tax day." Tax day happens over this weekend. You're going to have to pony up on Monday, if you haven't already. And I think the basic question I want to ask is that we spend as Americans, a third of every penny you earn, if we all pooled it together, goes to the government. Are we getting our money's worth?
John: I think we're getting a bargain.
Candy: Yeah, you would.
Bill: A bargain? Really?
Candy: A millionaire would say that.
John: First, let's, you know, get it straight that, you know, America has, I mean the American citizens are taxed -- if not the least taxed, are close to the least taxed in the country -- in the world. In the world.
Bill: It's true, in Europe they tax more. But I mean --
Kennedy: They have so much to show for it, too.
Kennedy: They really do. If you're a youngster, you can't rely on art and culture from 400 years ago.
John: We have the most stable form of government, pretty much, in the world.
Kennedy: We do?
John: Yes, except for when they're trying to rip themselves apart inside, but, well, I -
Candy: Just let him talk, because he keeps digging.
Kennedy: Exactly.
Kennedy: I'm with Candy.
Candy: He's doing the whole thing by himself, Bill.
Bill: Wait a minute, it is very easy to hate the IRS. And unfortunately, you are working for the IRS.
Kennedy: For someone to come on who just won $1 million and say, "We're getting a bargain" --
Bill: But let me just --
Kennedy: -- Who works for the IRS.
Candy: You can get a good hammer for $600.
Bill: Wait a second, Miss MTV Generation.
Kennedy: Wait a second, Mr. Politically Correct.
Bill: This is not politically correct, this is honest, and the honesty is that you have no idea what you're getting for your money. I think you are taking it for granted. You are free. You do not have to worry about people from other countries attacking you. I mean, yes, cruise missiles cost a lot of money. They all --
John: Canada, the border's undefended.
Bill: That's right, when's the last time a Canadian came over --
Kennedy: And you think we take our freedom for you granted because we --
Bill: I think we completely take our freedom for granted. Kennedy: I agree that people take their freedom for granted, in this country especially --
Bill: But freedom --
Kennedy: Younger generations who have never had to fight for anything.
Bill: And freedom is not free. The reason why the bad guys don't come knocking at our door is because they know we're the baddest [ bleep ] --
Kennedy: Yes, but the reason is --
Bill: Can you say that on ABC?
Kennedy: The reason it was created was because some revolutionaries came over to this country because they were sick out of taxation without representation.
Bill: But we have representation.
Kennedy: And the representation is --
Bill: Bad.
John: Sometimes.
Bill: But we have it, we do not have -- you're saying we don't have representation?
Kennedy: No, I'm saying that, taxes were too high, taxes are getting so high, I mean, I live in Seattle, where what we have to show for it is a brand new $500 million baseball stadium. And, you know, potholes. Bill.
Kennedy: Where are the priorities?
Lucy: You have potholes in L.A., too.
Bill: Do you know that -- you talk about Seattle, which is where Bill Gates and Microsoft lives. In -- in Silicon Valley, there are 60 new millionaires a day. A day.
Lucy: I'm moving, man.
Candy: Yeah, I'm gone.
Lucy: I want a piece of that.
Bill: Oh, please. If I had your money, I'd throw mine away.
Bill: Let's get serious.
Bill: There's a lot of money in princess warrioring.
Lucy: You haven't got the legs, though or the breasts.
Bill: Sadly.
Kennedy: Well, if he moved to Silicon Valley, he could get some.
Bill: The breasts, I'll give you. My legs are pretty good.
Bill: Well, anyway, there are two shrinks up there who have developed a theory that there is something called "Sudden Wealth Syndrome."
John: When's the telethon coming?
Bill: Right, I've been --
Lucy: You know, I do actually believe that when somebody makes a lot of money, you do actually go through a period of adjustment at some point where you feel everybody's out to get you and, "Something's wrong," and "Why am I not happy?"
John: On tax day, yeah.
Lucy: You tithe three times over to the government, but I would, I would recommend that they go out and invest $50 in a Tony Robbins tape or something or other, get some help and deal with it.
Bill: You don't really mean a Tony Robbins tape.
Bill: I mean, that was just an example, right?
Lucy: Well, I mean the guy's not paying me, but yeah, no, I did that. And it helped a lot.
Kennedy: Why not Fran Tarkenton?
Candy: That's another euphemism for somebody just completely messed up. Give me a break.
Kennedy: Why do they have to keep inventing these names for these -- people have issues, it doesn't matter if you have money or if you've had a baby. You know, if you've got issues, you've got issues. You know, if you have issues because you have money, it probably means you have --
Candy: Exactly, I want that syndrome.
Bill: All right, I gotta --
Bill: I have to take the "Make Money Syndrome" right now. We'll be right back.
[ commercial break ]
Bill: All right, let's switch the subject from economics to homosexuality. That is the first time I've done it. Only because George W. Bush -- the little Bush kid running for President --
John: You mean Junior, right?
Bill: I mean Junior -- the guy, the little kid who was drunk.
Bill: Until he was like, 40 -- he's running, and he got to be governor, now he's running for president, just the American dream. He has been avoiding for a long time meeting with the log cabin Republicans, I mentioned that in the monologue.
Lucy: Are they like the bears?
Bill: The what?
Lucy: Are they like the bears?
Bill: The beers?
Lucy: What's with the log cabin? What goes on in the log cabin?
Bill: Wait a minute, I gotta hear what that word is.
Lucy: The bears.
Kennedy: Its the big fat --
Bill: Oh, the bears.
Candy: They're called papa bears.
Kennedy: And then they're bear cubs.
Candy: Bear cubs and papa bears.
Bill: You speak so funny.
Bill: Wow.
Kennedy: Then there's a thing, you pick a straw, never mind.
Bill: Well, the log cabin Republicans are the gay Republicans. Don't ask me why. There are gay Republicans.
Kennedy: Why wouldn't there be gay Republicans?
Candy: Well, it's like a black Klan member.
Kennedy: No, it's not.
Bill: Yeah.
Kennedy: If I were -- if I were gay, I would still be a Republican. There's no way I would be a Democrat.
Candy: Are you a Republican?
Kennedy: I'm a registered Republican, I'm an ideological Libertarian.
Candy: Lucy?
Candy: "Lucy?"
Bill: Why would you be a Republican if you were gay? I don't understand.
Kennedy: Because I think the Republican Party used to stand for mavericks and freedom.
Bill: Used to.
John: Used to.
Kennedy: And social responsibility --
Kennedy: And it still can, and someone like John McCain, who spoke to many people --
Bill: Who lost.
Kennedy: Yes, well he lost because he was squashed by a very vocal minority, a section of the party that is controlled -- by gay-bashing Christians, God bless them --
Bill: Well --
Candy: Hell fire.
Bill: Okay, here's your gay Republican sympathy.
Kennedy: Yeah.
Bill: George Bush, who is the nominee.
Kennedy: Yeah.
Bill: Okay, we're in reality now.
Candy: Did you say Nazi?
Bill: No.
Candy: He's reaching out.
Bill: As a symbolic gesture of traditional values -- God knows we need more of them -- he would veto any repeal of a Texas law criminalizing gays for sodomy in their own bedroom. In other words, he's still for that, that you can bust somebody for committing sodomy -- and by way, sodomy includes anything that's fun.
Bill: Right? I mean, technically, sodomy is --
Kennedy: Where's that model, show us.
Bill: Anyway, so --
Bill: Because Bush is trying to move back to the middle of the bed -- kidding, he met with the log cabin Republicans yesterday. He's trying to cozy up to them.
Candy: No pun intended.
Bill: And Frank Rich, the brilliant Frank Rich, writing in "The New York Times," says he thinks that George Bush, by distancing himself from the gay Republicans, has really missed a beat here. He says things have changed in America, and Americans are now less homophobic than they used to be.
Lucy: And George W. Believed them? Is that why he went to them?
Kennedy: He's trying to liberalize himself, because he made himself so conservative in the primaries so he could win states like South Carolina, that now he has to come out and charm the rest of America who's bored to death by this closet Republican Al Gore who's really a liberal and in fascist clothing and --
Lucy: Is he gay as well?
John: Liberal?
Kennedy: Well, if you were gay, would you go for Al or would you go for George?
Candy: I would go for suicide.
Kennedy: The obvious choice is the man with the nice puckering tight buttocks, and that's Al Gore.
Kennedy: So George W. Bush has to come in and he has to, he has to --
Lucy: I'd go for Madeleine Albright.
Kennedy: Would you go for Madeleine Albright or Janet Reno?
Lucy: Madeleine.
Candy: Janet Reno looks like more of a cuddler.
Bill: If I may interrupt --
Kennedy: Women like to cuddle.
Bill: And ask a question.
John: Is this "Blind Date" now?
Candy: Where did he get that America is less homophobic? Where is he living? This is what I want to know.
Bill: Well, that's what he's saying.
Candy: It's not.
Bill: -- Is that America is less homophobic, that America is sort of over its homophobia, and I don't know if that's really true.
John: You see it a lot more.
Candy: Over?
John: You see it a lot more on TV and whatnot.
Bill: You're talking about homosexuality.
John: More exposure. No pun intended, once again.
Candy: More exposure, but that doesn't mean it's more acceptable.
Bill: Like "Will and Grace."
John: That's what I'm saying, it's a big country. It may be more accepted in certain areas, but --
Kennedy: I disagree, I think people are coming out younger. I think that at gay pride parades, there's a sense of apathy, and so many -- like the gay pride parade in Seattle used to be so much fun because it was the dangerous rebellious thing, and now so many people go to it, it's like, "Oh look, a bunch of gay guys dancing on a van." "Oh, yeah, a bunch of guys in chaps."
Lucy: They're all bored, so they're staying at home.
Kennedy: Yeah, I mean -- and, I think so many more people know someone who's come out, and I think that is the key to accepting gay people in this country. Is to really know someone close to you and really love someone who has made that decision.
Bill: What's it like down under, Princess Warrior?
Lucy: That's "Warrior Princess."
Bill: I mean, what's their view of it down there?
Lucy: We have got -- I'm sad to say it's -- we have the highest suicide rate of teens in the world. And I think a lot of that, we attribute to a traditionally macho society, even though it's the first place where women got the vote in the world, there's a lot of very strong women lived there and drive society, but it's still a very macho society, and I think --
Bill: So you're saying --
Lucy: A lot of that we attribute to people who are afraid to come out.
Bill: So you're saying if you're gay and a teenager, you feel like there's no hope, that's why they do that?
Lucy: Yeah, that seems to be the feeling.
Bill: But you know, in this country, a lot of people would say it's not any better.
Lucy: I don't think it is.
Candy: It's not. An 11-year-old boy just put a shotgun in his mouth 2 1/2 years ago because he was gay, and he had nowhere to go. 11 years old.
Bill: And yet America seems to have turned the corner on other sexual matters. I mean, when Clinton was being impeached, the Republicans kept up their drumbeat that he is an evil man by releasing more and more salacious material, thinking this will be the thing that turns America. And it never did. They were like -- I remember people came on my show -- inside Republicans, who knew it was coming. And I knew -- looking back -- that they were thinking about the cigar thing. Because that hadn't come out yet. And they were like, "Oh wait until they hear this." And then, America was like, "Hey, he played with a cigar."
Bill: "What a guy."
Kennedy: This is one of the things where the left has to lead, and people in show business embrace homosexuality, yet very few people, very few actors and really famous people come out of the closet, because they're scared of what people will think. But I think if people do that sooner and really show who they are --
Bill: Like name some names, name some people who should probably -
Kennedy: Okay, I'll do that.
Bill: Name some people who should come out and lead the way?
Kennedy: I think Ellen DeGeneres should come out, because I think she's gay.
Candy: I'm coming out right now.
Bill: We'll get on her case. We've got to take a break.
Kennedy: And Rupert Everett.
Bill: We'll be right back.
[ commercial break ]
Bill: Okay. Let's talk about fame here for a second, because John, you know it's interesting, I saw you on the cover of "TV Guide."
Candy: "People"?
Bill: "People" magazine, I mean, you have really had quite a run here from being the first "Millionaire" winner, and --
Lucy: Do you have an agent or something? Seriously, do you?
John: No, I don't.
Bill: He is an agent.
Bill: He's an IRS agent.
John: Officer.
Kennedy: How do people find you?
John: Um, well -- I think, you know, ABC must have, they had to know it was going to happen eventually, and they must have had a crisis team all prepared.
Lucy: It's good to be on a crisis team.
John: And a war room, all the contacts and connections and --
Lucy: You were practicing for your syndrome?
John: No, ABC had the crisis team.
Bill: I think there is a bit of a backlash against people who get their "15 minutes." I mean, Monica Lewinsky, there's a lot of resentment of her, because people think she didn't start at the bottom and work her way to the top.
John: Double entendre right here.
Bill: If you want to make that into a --
Lucy: If that girl gets anything positive out of that whole experience --
Kennedy: Should be herpes, right
Lucy: Good for her.
Candy: She got famous for sleeping with someone.
Bill: Not sleeping.
Bill: No one got any sleep.
Candy: Well, I mean, okay, you know, whatever you want to describe it as, you know. She did the do, but I mean, if you get famous from that, I should have my own show by now.
Candy: Fine. I mean, come on, who's really walking around with a Monica Lewinsky purse, anybody?
Bill: Yeah, that's good.
Kennedy: She sold 12 or something.
Candy: Look at the Darva Conger ensemble.
John: I just gotta find something to sell. I gotta put my name on something.
Kennedy: Maybe Darva Conger could get clothes made by children in Taiwan.
Candy: It's our fault, not their fault. We keep tuning in looking at these morons.
Kennedy: And that little Cody Gifford filing a lawsuit? What the hell is wrong with this culture?
John: Cody, huh?
Kennedy: That's another one, Kathie Lee's son is filing a lawsuit, he's 10.
Lucy: Against who?
Kennedy: I mean, that's something you would do when you were 10, you seem like a 10-year-old that would file a lawsuit.
Bill: Who is he filing a lawsuit against?
Kennedy: Against some tabloid because they said he was obnoxious.
Bill: The kid is filing the lawsuit?
Kennedy: Yes.
Bill: We've got to send this kid back to Cuba. That's what I think.
Candy: Exactly.
Bill: We've got to take another commercial.
Candy: They'll never know.
Bill: We'll be right back.
[ commercial break ]
Bill: All right. I want to say next week we're in repeats. There's no denying it. But, we are going to jail to film more shows that are going to be on in may. You're going for love this, we're going to be in America's toughest jail, with -- okay, Monday, we have Little Richard, Tom Arnold, Tony Robbins and Angela McLaughlin.
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