Once upon a time, in an age before spandex, a woman's life was a rugged affair. Not only did she have to cope with dinosaurs and bad guys with green skin, but worse, her wardrobe was limited to suede bikinis.
Now, in the modern world, TV is exposing these conditions. Especially the skimpy attire.
"At the dawn of the century, a band of adventurers set out to prove the impossible -- the existence of a prehistoric world." So begins "Sir Arthur Conan Doyle's The Lost World." (2 p.m. Saturdays, WPIX/Channel 11)
But the most notable revelation for many viewers of this weekly hour is Veronica, the babe in the buckskin. Played by Jennifer O'Dell, she serves the adventurers as their local go-to girl, an indispensable guide -- and an eyeful for the audience.
Want more?
What about an age "when Nature and magic ruled the world"? That can only mean "Beastmaster," although it's Dar, the hunky title character, who's livin' la vida loincloth.
But "Beastmaster" (1 p.m. Saturdays, WPIX/Channel 11) also features Dar's soul mate Kyra (Natalie Mendoza), dressed down in a form-fitting wrap with midriff on display. And while she doesn't seem to get out much, the Sorceress (Monika Schnarre) casts a spell on viewers while puttering around her cave in a strapless gown with enchanting decolletage.
On "Relic Hunter" (5 p.m. Saturdays, WWOR/Channel 9), Tia Carrere plays Professor Sydney Fox, an Indiana Jones with cleavage who's always running off to places hot and dank for adventure. Once there, she takes charge. And sweats. Watching her, so do we.
Indeed, with these Retro Action Babes, moisture is a given. Tropical heat is de rigueur. Rivers or rain or perspiration guarantee epic clinginess. And why not? On these shows, the god of wet T-shirt contests is clearly in charge.
Don't be fooled by "Cleopatra 2525," a half-hour, futuristic action-adventure series premiering next month. It focuses on three buxom, can-do women in a world where humankind is driven underground by brutal forces. Fair warning: This looks spandex all the way.
The natural-fiber Retro Action Babes represent an offshoot of the wildly successful "Xena: Warrior Princess," albeit with way more vamping.
Even so, these shows are meant not just for Dad and hormones-raging, 12-year-old Sonny, but for the whole family.
"You're looking at a period piece that has action, sex, greed, fantasy, science, wizardry, morality, and eye candy," said Bob Friedman, president of New Line Television, which distributes "The Lost World."
Plus, there's lots of useful information.
Here's a lesson from "Beastmaster"'s Sorceress: "If you want to punish someone and make them suffer, you need to know what they value -- and then take it away."
Meanwhile, listen up for fashion dos and don'ts. For instance, "Lost World"'s Victoria has no qualms about dashing through the outback in her skivvies. But when the reptile people take her prisoner, she turns up her nose at the halter top and harem pants they tell her to wear.
"If that lizard man thinks I'm gonna put this on," she says, sneering, "he's crazy."
A series like this "deals with magic and mystery and fun and adventure," said Friedman. Then the trick is keeping it all in balance. "That," he allowed, "is an interesting challenge."
The challenge is fumbled by "Peter Benchley's Amazon" (6 p.m. Saturdays, WWOR/Channel 9)
Premise: A commercial airliner en route to Rio de Janeiro has crashed in the Amazon jungle, stranding a small group of survivors who must find their unlikely way out.
Like "Relic Hunter," "Amazon" takes place in the present, but feels anything but modern with its primitive setting. An added blast from the past besets the six refugees in the form of the Ghost Tribe, descendants of European settlers stranded three centuries earlier.
However hard to get along with, the Ghost Tribe brings a certain Shakespearean polish to the wilderness:
"Does this decision spring from your faith in the testament of a witch," a follower accuses his leader, "or is it the comely messenger that has so entranced you?"
La-di-da! But talk is cheap and, on "Amazon," that's about all there is. The show's marquee babe, former model Carol Alt, mostly mopes around in slacks and T-shirt, looking fed up and disheveled.
Back to the Lucy Lawless Library
Back to the Xena Picture Library