I'm supposed to be interviewing Ted Raimi, but he keeps asking me questions. Where am I from? What's my job like? Oh, and do I keep up with the enormously popular television show Xena: Warrior Princess? You know, the one in which he plays bumbling wannabe warrior Joxer the Mighty? Well...yes, actually.
"So knowing I'm Joxer, is it weird talking to me?" he asks. "Like, do you picture me on the other end of the phone with the hat and the costume and stuff?" Um, no -- but it sure is tempting. Like his character, Ted is one funny guy with seemingly limitless energy -- especially impressive considering that he's just come down with a cold. When I have a cold, I'm usually curled up on the couch with a raft of Kleenex and reruns of Growing Pains. Not Ted. He warns that his voice may give out, but ends up chattering with me for an hour, regaling me with stories about everything from Bruce Campbell to the lingerie business, and filling me in on all things Xena.
Speaking of Xena, Ted is quite excited about the last few episodes of this season, which are set to start airing later this month. "[They're] big, man!" he crows. "Big, big, big!" He keeps referring to some "huge" development that's going to take place at season's end, which we'll get to later on...
But first, he's off and running with a story about the one thing that will most likely plague him until his death: the Joxer song. You know: "Joxer the Mighty, roams through the countryside, never needs a place to hide..." It's become a Xena staple over the years, and Ted gets asked to sing it whenever he attends a convention...or whenever he's out, period.
"Enrique Iglesias was doing this video down here in LA at this mall, and the line was around the block with these kids -- they were all like 13, 14, 15. And there were hundreds and hundreds of them waiting to catch a glimpse of Enrique Iglesias," he says. "And I was -- I have a bicycle, I'm like the only person in LA that ever rides a bike -- I was pedaling up this hill, and five or six kids stopped me, and they went, 'Hey, it's Joxer!' and a bunch of them turned around. And three or four of them started singing the Joxer song, and I thought, 'Wow, man! They know Enrique Iglesias songs, they know the Joxer song!' I felt like a rock star."
Well, folks, as far as I'm concerned, Ted is a rock star. Not only is he a consistent and amusing presence on Xena, but he was also a regular on SeaQuest DSV, and has appeared in a whole slew of films (several of them directed by his brother, Sam), including the little-seen but much-loved (by me, anyway) Lunatics: A Love Story. We kick things off, however, by discussing all things Joxer...
IGN Sci-Fi: You've now had the opportunity to play triplets: Joxer, Jet and Jace. Of the three, which one are you most like?
Ted: [laughs] I'd say it's equal thirds. What I wish I could tell you is that I am an expert assassin and a thief, 'cause that's cool. But I'm not. The truth of the matter is, I like to do everything that those characters like to do, except getting dressed in women's underwear. And even then I couldn't tell you the truth about that...no, I'm just kidding! I think I'm definitely like Joxer in that I'm often shy. And I'm like Jet in that I do have a lot of anger in me, I always have since I was in high school -- and it was fun to play him, to sort of vent that a little bit. And finally, like Jace, I guess...[laughs] I am rather flamboyant as well! I'm kind of loud and big and broad, so, yeah, I'm a little like all three of them.
IGN Sci-Fi: In that vein, I was wondering if you're going to be playing any more of Joxer's family members, like maybe his mom or maybe a wacky aunt...
Ted: [cackling at the idea] His mom! That's a really funny idea. Actually, I was hoping to have my mother play Joxer's mother. We tried to get her down for an episode, but it's in New Zealand and it's so far, but we still might do it. Although, I don't think my mother's very interested in acting at the moment, but I might be able to talk her into it.
IGN Sci-Fi: What's coming up for your character? I heard there's an episode where you age quite a bit...
Ted: There is. Without giving too much away, we see everybody, like 30, 40 years from now. So I'm like, 80. And special effects aged me. I can't tell you how I become that, or what happens to Xena and Gab because the producers would [laughs]...well, what the ****! OK, I'll tell you. Basically, Ares entombs Xena and Gabrielle in ice in a mountainside for 25 years. When they emerge from this cryogenic sort of suspension, Joxer is 80. And little baby Eve is all grown up, she's now 25 -- bonus babe! [laughs] So Xena and Gabrielle are looking the same, Eve is now 25, about their age, and Joxer is now 80. It's very surreal and freaky and stuff. But cool.
IGN Sci-Fi: So you were the only one who had to get old for that episode?
Ted: [sheepishly] Yes. Although, what does happen to Joxer is that he marries Meg. You remember Meg from way back...
IGN Sci-Fi: Oh, yeah, one of the other Lucy Lawless characters...
Ted: The Lucy Lawless character! The one from "Warrior, Princess, Tramp," from way, way back there, that episode, where she's like, the harlot. So they get married! And you actually do see what Xena looks like as Meg when she's also 80. So Lucy and I had a great time playing those characters.
IGN Sci-Fi: Any hints you can give us about the season finale?
Ted: No. I can't tell you anything about it, other than that it's really big. It's huge. I mean, [it's] one of these episodes where I'm gonna get about a thousand fan letters and emails and people going, "What is going on?" Some episodes don't stir up very much controversy, they go on as they should. But other ones are audience rattlers, and that's what this group is, the last two or three eps.
IGN Sci-Fi: Now, where's the Joxer action figure? I have all the other ones and I want a Joxer...
Ted: [laughing] You know, I don't know, man! I was really disappointed that they never came out with one. They came out with a SeaQuest one, which was weird...
IGN Sci-Fi: Did they, really?
Ted: Oh, yeah, the O'Neill action figure. It's one of these classic thing -- I've got 90-inch biceps and I've got a huge chest and it looks like I'm wearing this enormous codpiece, like I wouldn't fit into my underwear anymore. It's one of these, like, Hercules dolls. "O'Neill figure, now with action laser destroyer!" I've never destroyed anything on that show in my life!
IGN Sci-Fi: Well, it probably wouldn't be as exciting if they had the O'Neill figure that speaks five languages...
Ted: [laughing] Yeah, who'd want that? That's a bore! Yeah, you pull the cord: "Parlez-vous francais?"
IGN Sci-Fi: Well, maybe some people would have fun with it. But I thought they were planning a Joxer figure...
Ted: See, they keep doing it and then they pull you back. I know I'm next up if they're gonna make one, so I just gotta wait and see...
IGN Sci-Fi: Well, I hope it comes out eventually...
Ted: Yeah, I've got to sorta egg those guys on a little bit, I think I've got to give them a call...
IGN Sci-Fi: Tell them the people are demanding it!
Ted: [laughs] All right, I will. I will! "Hey, there's a girl named Sarah up in San Fran and she says, if you don't do it, she's gonna give you a wedgie!"
IGN Sci-Fi: Now I heard you were trying to think of a new song. Any luck with that?
Ted: Yeah, I did a couple versions. But you know, the problem is that that joke is unfortunately so stale in our heads. I know fans watch it, and it's not stale in their heads, because they watch it once a week, and so that's OK. But for us, every single day on the set, it's like "OK, we got this joke a few years ago!" There's new Joxer gags and recurring stuff, but it's amazing how much that song has frigging got the public attention. It was a little thing I made up on the set one day. And it was like, "OK, this is kind of funny, let's have him sing a stupid ****in' song. And Renee [O'Connor] thought it was funny and I thought it was funny, so we went ahead and did it, and you know, darned if the writers went, "Oh, there's a funny gag!" and put it in every single episode.
And then I had to sort of put my foot down, and go "I'm not doing this song. There will be no more versions of this song, ever again." It was fun to do, I loved doing it, I thought it was a good bit, but it's sort of past its prime now. Time for new jokes!
IGN Sci-Fi: Well, it did seem like it would be fun the first million times or so...
Ted: [laughing] Yeah! The first million was good. After that, it's all downhill.
PART TWO
Ted Raimi relates his best Bruce Campbell story -- and discusses his character's future on Xena.
April 17, 2000
In Part 1 of our massive two-part interview, Ted Raimi, aka Xena's Joxer the Mighty, told me all about what's coming up for his character, his action figure status, and Enrique Iglesias (and you'll have to read Part 1 to find out exactly what I mean by that). What could possibly be left to discuss, you ask? Well...there's his sordid past as the would-be Bra King of Michigan.
Hardcore fans know this tale well, but for the uninitiated... "My mother owns a chain of women's lingerie stores in southeastern Michigan, so before I set off to California, she said, 'Look, you can have all this, if you want it, if you go into business with me," Ted explains. "Sam [his big-shot director brother of Evil Dead fame] was, of course, busy making movies, and my brother Ivan was a doctor. And so it was sort of incumbent upon me to take over the bra business, and I would have done it, actually, because I do like the women's undergarment business."
He starts cackling, but struggles to prove his point. "I know it sounds funny! But it's a great retail business to be in, because, first of all, it seldom changes. It's not like the fashion business, where you've really got to know you're stuff about what's style and what's not. I mean, the last ten years, it's all push-ups. Before, that, it's not! Then it's push-ups again! I mean, there's not a whole hell of a lot to know."
Well, now that we've cleared that up, it's time to move into Burning Questions territory. I mean, you all know that multi-talented Ted can play triplets, but have you heard about the special, Bruce Campbell-constructed costume from his youth? Read on...
IGN Sci-Fi: You and your brothers grew up with Bruce Campbell, and I read somewhere that he used to baby-sit for you...
Ted: Yeah, that's true...
IGN Sci-Fi: Any funny stories from that era?
Ted: It all started when my brother [Sam] was busy with stuff, and I used to take piano lessons and cello lessons. And he'd go, "Hey, Bruce, you go pick up Ted from his piano lesson and cello lesson," 'cause you know, I was only, like, 13, I couldn't drive. So he'd do it all the time, and I got to really like him when I was a kid. And, one time when he was babysitting me, it was Halloween and we spent two hours on this costume. It was great. I had two and a half hours of intensive, you know, Bruce Campbell makeup effects on me, so it was the coolest Halloween I ever had in my life as a kid.
IGN Sci-Fi: What was the costume?
Ted: I went out as Bugsy Siegel, but I went as dead Bugsy Siegel, after he got shot. So it was great, I had an exploded [face] and it was just all cool. We also scared a lot of kids that came to the door.
IGN Sci-Fi: Speaking of your brother, I was wondering if he was going to put you in the Spider-Man movie...
Ted: You know, I can't say, I don't really know. I'm so busy with things right now, I'm directing some rock videos coming up, which should be exciting for me, because I've never directed TV before, and so I'm excited about that. And I've got a couple writing projects that I'm working on, so I don't know if I'll have time to be in his movie. But if I do have time, I'll definitely visit the set and maybe I'll have a couple lines here and there, but I don't think it'll be anything substantial at the moment.
IGN Sci-Fi: Random question: Where can I find Lunatics? Because I love that movie, but I've only seen it a couple of times on cable...
Ted: Oh, right. You can...order it. They do have it on video, like at Amazon.com. And you know, I think...you know what, Sarah, I'll look around. I may have an extra copy -- if I do, I'll send it to you...
IGN Sci-Fi: [trying to contain geeky excitement] Really?
Ted: Yeah, I'll definitely send one up to you. I think I may have extra copies lying around and I just keep one. I've only seen it once. I only watch everything once, I can't stand to watch myself more than one time [laughs]. I mean, it's OK, but it's like looking in the mirror, it doesn't help me any. I think the first thing I ever did on TV, I watched it, like, 50 times. And it was sort of like the experience where you go in your dad's liquor cabinet when you're 13, and you go, "Cool." And you mix all the drinks together and you drink it and you just wind up barfing all night.
It's sort of the same thing, the next day I felt sick, I was like, "I can't believe I just watched myself 50 times!" And I knew every little thing I had done on the show. I was 18 or something, and I think that really did it for me. It was sort of like the bad first experience, and I can't ever watch myself more than once now. But, yeah, I'll look around for that Lunatics for you, if you don't mind a kind of cheesy copy...
IGN Sci-Fi: [still trying to contain geeky excitement] Oh, no, not at all! Thanks.
Ted: Yeah!
IGN Sci-Fi: So have you ever thought about suggesting "Bra King of Michigan" as a Xena character?
Ted: [laughing] It's a very good idea. Yeah, I think that's a great idea for a Joxer bit. Joxer could be the Bra King of Thrace or something like that for sure. Why not?
IGN Sci-Fi: Anything else you want to talk about?
Ted: Not really, other than, stay tuned to Xena, 'cause it will be a very intense. Something big happens to Joxer, you'll see...
IGN Sci-Fi: Oh, reeeeaallllly?
Ted: Reeeaaaalllllly big. Yup.
IGN Sci-Fi: Is it even more heart-wrenching than last season, when Xena and Gab died?
Ted: Yes, it's as heart-wrenching. And you also see it get resolved. In the second to last episode, something enormous happens to Joxer. And then it's...I can't tell you what. But then it's resolved in the final episode. So, it's pretty darn huge. I'm considering telling you, but I can't do it, just because...even though you seem totally cool, being a reporter, I know it's too juicy for you to pass up. It's like...you're like the nicest bunny in the cage, but I know if I throw that damn carrot in there, it's gonna be gone. IGN Sci-Fi: I'll turn rabid?
Ted: [laughing hysterically] You'll turn rabid, yeah! You'll turn rabid on me.
The time has come for us to part ways. Before we do, Ted drops a few hints about some stuff he's working on right now (writing and executive producing a "straight drama" movie, for example) and talks about what a blast it is working with Lucy Lawless and Renee O'Connor. But, inevitably, the conversation winds its way back to Xena's finale and that aforementioned "enormous" plot twist. Does Ted finally reveal to me the fate of Joxer?
I'm not telling. And it's not just because he's sending me a copy of Lunatics.
--Sarah Kuhn wants a Bruce Campbell-constructed Halloween costume of her very own.
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